Jessica McFarland

Before migrating to the sprawling heap that is the Greater London area, I lived in Liverpool for three years. I’m now spending a week here, and since it’s a place that is excluded from most tourist’s itineraries, I thought I’d take this opportunity to share the things I think everyone should know about the place:

1. Liverpool is in Merseyside, Northwest England. It is not London. It is not in London, it is not a suburb of London. It is really nowhere near London. This is a difficult concept for many people (many people=Americans) so I’m including a map:

   
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2. While there are ferries across the Mersey, if your business takes you over the water (it won’t) you’ll probably get there by the tunnel. Or the other tunnel. Or the train, which also goes through a tunnel.
3. The letter ‘k’ takes on a whole new life of its own in the mouths of the locals. It’s more like a German ‘ch’. Prepare to be spat on. Side note: if you hear people walking towards you and think they’re speaking German, wait til they get close…nope, that’s English (approximately).
4. Little-known fact: The Beatles, you know, that rock group from the 60s? They’re from Liverpool. In order to inform the public, there’s a museum, many many tours, and the airport is called John Lennon.
5. There is a massive cathedral on Hope St that looks like nothing so much as Minas Morgul, you know, that dark tower in Lord of the Rings that all the horses came out of. It’s even lit up green at night.
6. There’s another cathedral just up the road that looks like a spaceship. A couple of years ago there was a green laser beam between the two. Religion meets sci-fi/fantasy, or something.
7. If you take a cab, expect to get into a conversation. Especially if, like me, you have a foreign accent.
8. Miscellaneous good things: The Philharmonic Orchestra is fantastic, there’s a brand new outdoor shopping mall, and you can walk across the city centre in about 15 minutes.
9. Miscellaneous not-so-good things: It’s cold, it’s windy, people drink too much and puke on the street, and you can walk across the city centre in about 15 minutes.

   So now I’ve given you the facts, and you can decide whether or not it’s worth a visit on your own. There. My work is done.