Abra, Abra Cadabra (I wanna reach out and grab ya)
Astrology isn’t an actual science (that’s astronomy, in case you’re already confused). I know this.
The position of the stars on the particular Thursday in September on which I entered the world is not responsible for my personality, work relationships, or love life. Furthermore, the position of the planets at this very moment has nothing to do with my current mood, unless I’m somehow angry at Jupiter for being too, I dunno, gaseous. (Incidentally, ‘dunno’ is in the dictionary as a contraction of ‘ (I) do not know’, originating in the mid 19th century, not the late 20th, as I believed up until now. But there, you see, I’ve become distracted. Damn you, Jupiter!)
Where was I?
Right. Astrology. Bogus.
But I know there’s part of me that wishes it wasn’t.
Especially when there are decisions to make or some crisis is in progress. On those occasions I will find myself looking for my horoscope in the paper or on the internet, or both. Then there’s the Chinese horoscopes to look at as well–click and compare, somewhere there’s an answer.
How amazing would that be if it actually worked! Open paper, read horoscope, find new insight into problem, follow advice, problem solved. Can avoid boring one’s friends and family with issues.
It doesn’t work though, because horoscopes are too vague. For example, I didn’t read my horoscope last week, but it probably didn’t say, “Next week: allergic conjunctivitis. Have drops handy.” (Though someone please tell me if it did.)
But then it wouldn’t, because that would mean that 1/12 of the world’s population, give or take, would have itchy eyes this week. There’s probably a few, but I don’t think it’s quite that many, and they probably weren’t all born in August/September.
In fact, astrology, as I understand it, and I’m no expert (but I’ve flipped through some books on the subject while pretending not to), suggests that there are only 12 main ways that people can be. And that everyone born around the same time of year has the same basic personality, etc.
And I can’t construct my life around that; it’s just too weird. The same solution can not apply to 1 out of every 12 people, no matter how carefully worded. If that’s true, then it’s far more likely that everyone’s issues can be resolved by the same formula. And maybe that’s true. But it’s probably not “watch out for people taking advantage of you around the 12th”.
On the other hand, take the Magic 8 Ball. That’s a decision making strategy right there. I used to own a real one, bought it at Toys R Us and painstakingly avoided shaking it so it wouldn’t get full of bubbles. So many times I wish I still had it. If life situations can be distilled into yes or no questions, the Magic 8 Ball can fix them. Or tell you to ask again later. If you’ve already been over it a hundred times, taken it apart, put it back together again (the problem, not the 8 ball, that blue stuff’s probably toxic somehow), make it a yes or no question and ask the ball. There’s virtual ones on the internet now and everything.
The moral of the story: astrology=crap, magic 8 ball=genius. My public service announcement.
NB: I have borrowed titles from songs by Depeche Mode, Rick Astley, Supertramp, and now the Steve Miller Band. Will I continue to do this in the future? Probably. Is there a pattern to it? No. Do things that I think about nearly always cause me to get a song stuck in my head, because that’s how my mind works? Yes.
